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Dear Dr. Jason,

My girlfriend of about five years has a problem. I’ve discovered she has an eating disorder. She’s a brain eating zombie, and well, people are really starting to notice, especially at restaurants. I’ll have the surf n turf, but she opts for the waiter, or whoever is handy to our table.  This is really starting to bother me. She’s made all of our couple friends disappear, and our lawn parties are no longer fun. I’m embarrassed to got to the local mini mart for chips and dip . Also, Dump-truck our cat is becoming more and more stressed out about her litter box, and there are strange smells coming from the basement. I’ve tried talking to her, but she just repeatedly moans about about what she needs these days. And it’s distressing talking to her. I’m getting tired of her monosyllabic retorts. All she seems interested in is wanting to invite my folks over for nachos, which strikes me as really odd.

And her BO is another topic I can go on about.

I feel the magic is leaving our relationship. Something has to be done. Can you help us?

Regards,
“Close to shooting her undead a$$” Keith

PS: Did I mention she chews with her mouth open?

***

Dear “Close to shooting her undead a$$” Keith,

Thanks so much for writing to me with your problem. I can understand your concern, but you’ll be comforted to know that this is actually a really common situation. The truth is that for the most part women are very good at concealing their status as brain-eating zombies. Often the passion and the romance can lead us to overlook the red flags, but at some point we’ve got to realize the truth: she’s more after your brains than your smarts.

Here’s what you do. Inoculate yourself and your remaining survivor friends by allowing a vampire to bite you. As a vampire, you’ll be immortal and you’ll be able to make her jealous because vampires always have good luck attracting female attention. Once she’s jealous, she’ll want to eat your brains. Let her do this. Vampire actually trumps zombie, and before she’s even gotten to your cortex she’ll be a vampire too. Then you can both live happily ever after.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jason

***

I’ll try that today Dr Jason! Even as I type this, my girlfriend is trying to break her chains and take yet another run at me and Dump-truck. Can’t take the mental and physical abuse any longer, and poor Dump-truck can only climb so high. As soon as I’m finished here, I’ll head down to the seven-eleven. I think I saw a vampire in there the other day!
I owe you one.

Thank you so much Dr. Jason,

Now not so ready to shoot her undead a$$,
Keith

***

Don’t forget to get her a slurpee while you’re at 7/11! Captivity always goes down easier when you’ve got a slurpee.

***

Fun stuff.

January was a bit of a disappointment. In sales:

The Troll Hunter–– Nine

No Experience Necessary— Eleven

The Missing Boatman—Two

Flight of the Cookie Dough Mansion––Two

For the total of 24 books for the month. I was happy to see the bump in units sold for TTH and NO EXP but disappointed with TMB and FLIGHT, even after the completed editing. Here’s hoping it finds some traction this month. But this will be the fourth month, and I’ve been reading that interesting things happen in the fourth month onwards. We’ll see.

Promotion wise–just signed up for twitter. http://twitter.com/#!/KeithCB1 and a few guest authors have appeared on the blog.

Also, The Bear That Fell From The Stars is getting closer to publication. It’s about a ninja that gets abducted by a group of anal probing aliens. I’ll be going over notes by my copy editor this week, and then send it out to the beta readers for feedback. After that, formatting and release.

February looks to be a good month.

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