So I just watched Conan 2011.

Now, even when I first heard they were making a new Conan movie, I was pretty much filled with a wary sense of anticipation. Hoping, that maybe–MAYBE–they would do the books justice–that they would do the John Milius movie justice.

Nope.

From the first few minutes of Morgan Freeman’s narration, which really seemed out of place for me, to the introduction of he kingdom Ashron (Ashron? ASHRON? Did they even read the books?)  to the opening sequence where Conan is a boy who becomes a warrior to all of the sword fights on the go…

It was pretty shit to watch.

And that’s what they made here. Production wise, it looked good, but even then there was something missing. The first movie way way back with Arnold and done with a script by John Milius and Oliver Stone wasn’t a great script. It was a simple revenge flick that took liberties with the books, but that flick had class. It had atmosphere.  It’s had Arnold’s brooding. It had Basil Poledouris’s orchestrated masterpiece. It had a sweeping two hour thundering ride of sword and sorcery storytelling. Who didn’t get goosebumps in the orgy chamber, when Rexor sees a fully healed Conan doing his  pose down, and whispers “you,” all to fire and horns and crumbling marble?

Conan 2011 had colon cleansing bad gas.

I really can’t talk more about the  movie as I skimmed through it after the first twenty minutes. If you want to watch a sword and sorcery movie–see the original version with Arnold. See Beastmaster for that matter. Hell, see DEATHSTALKER.

Unless of course, you’re constipated. Then see Conan 2011.

Maybe they’ll get the next version right. When they reboot this twenty years from now.